Abusive new stepdad?

Let’s get to it, Saturday was my 23rd birthday. I don’t have much, I don’t have millions of friends to shout congrats to me. I have my mom and my fiance and a puppy. That’s what I have.
This Friday from 2ish to 7. Me and my mom were out, we ate sushi, we brought some snacks to watch a movie together at home. Sang in the car. It was nice.
At 8 she leaves, she leaves to go visit her new boyfriend, go to his place. I didn’t approve of that because in a few hours I turn 23 and I wanted her there. But she left, anyhow…

I woke up by noon, mom wasn’t home. I figured she’d come home in a few hours to be with us and watch a movie we were going to see. Time passed and I got more and more annoyed, wasn’t before 7 in the evening when I got angry, I felt sad, betrayed. She was busy being with her new boyfriend, not even been together a week. My fiance made it up to me a few min pass eight with some snacks, a few drinks and.. It was ok.

A few min pass twelve I get a phone call to hear that my mom is very sad and upset. They were on their way home and she sat down tears in her eyes, she was scared. Because this guy had put his hands on her, he’d pushed her, hit her shoulder, called her name and threatened her. That if he was in pain the next day, he’d beat her.

Anyhow, we both agreed it’s over and he’d been immature to block her everywhere, said bye and all that. Just being a general fucker.

She earlier the Sunday around noon came to my room and said she was going to go meet a friend and once more.. She was gone all day and night. I got a message at nine with her saying “Me and [guys name]’s been talking and I’m the one overreacting, it’s a huge misunderstanding.” And loads else, I gave a simple respond “No.” I wasn’t going to have that, told her to come home and she was brining him here and I once more said; No. So she said she’d come alone to talk to me. We did talk, but it was just her trying to justify it all. “He had mixed drinks, he was drunk..” And tried to put the blame how he treated her on her sister. I told her she was dumb, I was done with her bullshit. FOR LYING TO ME, after everything I do for her. And appearently two of her friends for her going to him turns their backs on her, TWO FRIENDS WHO ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING GOOD AND SUPPORTED, HELPED. Along with her trying to blame her sister and shitting on me, her daughter.
2 friends, her sister, me < Abusive asshole.

I am beyond pissed.

I am 22 years old and scared of ‘getting old’

I must admit this sounds like the most stupid thing, I would have gotten annoyed if a twenty two year old came up to me and says she was scared because she was getting old.
But then I guess I am a hypocrite for freaking out a bit on my own, while I do know many have the same problem even in later years, not just. “Oh im 18 and I don’t know what I want to be, life goes under.” But there are older people, 25, 37, 44, 60 and whatnot that got the same problem, that still don’t know what they want to do.

I sat in bed and just thought of so much I want to do. Go lawschool, get a science degree, study medicine, become an actress. There is so much things I want to try on and do, I want to be, but I’ve just realized how fast the years go by and I’m scared I won’t have the time to do what I really want to, I don’t know when I can actually start.
And I know many will just think ‘just do it, just get to it, nothing stopping you’. But that is actually not always true, if you don’t know the story or what goes down with the person in question I don’t think you have the right to say that, sure it’s good to encourage someone but it can be too much, too.

I’m waiting to see if they will approve of me being put on a benefit that will last for 3 years, to help me get on my feet since I’ve had great problems with getting it together. But I’m not sure if they will provde me to study… Is why I don’t know if I can do what I really want to do, there is other activities they will encourage me to do but, I just know _I want to study_  I want to learn and be everything. But even if I get those years and when i can go study again… Let’s say Ill be 26, since I’m turning 23 in april, and I still got a few months to wait.
So I’m 26, but I don’t have a dregree since I dropped out of high school. Meaning I have to study those up, first. Adding another three years. 29.
29 and I can finally study what I want… It’s still young but I don’t think it’s enough for me, seeing I also want a family.

I want to hang out with my friends, I want a family, I want a child, I want a complicated well paid job, I want to study and always learn new things everyday.  I want so much! But I simply don’t think I have the time to do everything I want. I want to do something that can help others in the long run, if it’s just something to ecourage or make your day or whatever. I want to do something that means something.

What freaks me out so much is when I see online, on facebook or other social medias how these young people just… Post about how they have reached goal at age 19, dream house and education, with their ‘boos’. Sure, well good job, congraulations. But not everyone got it that lucky or easy.

I never knew what I wanted to do before now, Now i know I want too much. I guess I’ll do everything I can when I can, and just hope I find something that makes me happy. Work somewhere I don’t hate, oh yes. You can actually have a job you enjoy. They don’t have to be stressful, boring something you hate. You don’t even have to start with that sort of job, I for sure will not. This is just getting really frustrating to try to explain, not gonna lie.

I’m 22, I have no edcuation, no interest that really sticks out, no job, living with my mom… But I am engaged. So I’ve got that going for me!

I don’t know, it’s probably a lot more I have on my mind but this will have to do for now, I suppose.


I’ve learned with years from depression to control my emotions, try to be understanding when other’s cannot. But there’s one emotion I have huge problems with controlling. It’s when I’m annoyed. And when I try to control it, I sort of can if the smallest thing doesn’t happen, like having dry feet. I cannot have dry feet or hands and function like a normal person. Or when I’m slightly annoyed and someone acts like a complete cunt.
Continue reading “Emotions”

Lost friendship

I don’t know what to go on about today, but I came to think of old friends, most specificly a friend I used to adore and really like, even pass his possessivnessand wanting to sleep with me. Jack was his name. I adored him and we were pretty good friends… It was a couple of years ago. I remember he felt free to ‘lecture’ me whenever I did something he didn’t agree on. I hated that, but I still adored him. Continue reading “Lost friendship”

Child abuse?!

I was outside with my mom and a friend of her, suddenly I see as I sit on the park bench a former friend of her walking towards us. This person is known to be a bit… Special. She leaves her 4-year-old home alone at night while she sleeps so this lady can go sleep with some random. It’s HOT outside and she put her child in winter boots. She also has slept over with the guys, sleeping in the same bad as the guys she has with her daughter.
It’s not that she just changes guy 2 times a month, but she also has multiple guys at once. She does her, whatever. But she involves every guy with her daughter…
Continue reading “Child abuse?!”

Psychic dreams

Do you believe in psychic dreams? I for sure don’t. I really don’t but every dream I’ve had that really gets to me have me thinking, re-thinking decisions and let those dreams just nag on me all day, or whatever conclusion I come up with after having that dream. I don’t really believe in psychic dreams or that my dreams do mean something or want to send a message to me, I don’t bash people who do. People are allowed to believe whatever they want.

Continue reading “Psychic dreams”

Time goes too fast

Been out all day, I just realized how fast time passes by. I was out in the park for a while with mom and her friends. Someone was finishing school, someone I knew who was rather young before. Apparently, she’s 19 and turning 20, while I remember the person as 15. It’s strange how time flies by and you start to notice it. I’m not too sure how to feel about it. I’m curious about the future but before we know it. It’ve already passed.