Day 7. Dreams and nightmares

So it’s day seven, it’s been a week and with this one, I feel once more I’m very late and I have no idea what I’ll be writing about. I don’t know what I was thinking doing this, to be honest…

30days

Dreams and nightmares? Did I mean like wishes and fears? Either way, I’ll go with that being a bit deep and poetic and stuff. I do have a dream or repeated dream coming to me almost every night. A dream where I log on social media and -he- finally writes to me. Finally messaging me, telling me what’s been up and in the end, I know everything will be fine because he ends the message with. “I’ll see you later, honey.” and it fulfills me. I feel like the happiest in the world.
Until I wake up, wake up wishing I could go back to sleep and be with him once more, not wanting the best dream to shatter and fall. I don’t want to wake up from such dream and face the reality that it was indeed all just a dream and I have to go through the pain that I’m living a reality without him, that I have to live my life without him by my side. I’ve tried to message him but it’s all in vain and I never get a response. It’s all too uncharacteristic of him. It’s not like him and I refuse to believe that he does it just because he’s an asshole because it’s not.
But the fear that he’ll never answer me, the fear that he’ll never be with me again tearing my heart apart.
And on top of that, I’m in this thing where I desperately try to find someone to be with, someone to take the pain away but I end up hurting that person. I end up feeling numb and giving up on the relationship.

My current love life is a nightmare if I am to be completely honest. I can get a person if I want, but I can’t seem to get the one I truly want. The one. But I keep hurting other because I can’t find the will, interest to fight for that person, have an interest or want a future with someone.
And for that, I believe I’m a terrible person. I truly do. It’s been a year and three months and my hearts aching just like it did one year and three months ago.

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