Day 8. Heartbreak

Now let’s tackle my biggest heartbreak and how I want through with it. How I managed to cope… I don’t think I managed to cope at all and it was hell, my whole world fell apart.

So let’s be realistic here, a heartbreak it not usually always the movie charm, buying ice cream and crying in front of a romantic drama, chick flick or even romcom- Movie. Sure that sure what some people do but this pain sure crippled me.

30days

So when I and my boyfriend broke up. It wasn’t really the break up that hit me, what hit me so hard is that he got to decide between me and another person. Who he said that he loved.
He told me he’d been with this girl for about four months and he felt like a complete asshole for being with both of us, what triggered that may have been that the night on that I wrote. “Goodnight, my one and only.”.
I think that triggered his feelings to feel so bad because he couldn’t say the same to me. And when he told me about this person first I was just upset but I didn’t really mind too much because I knew that at the end of the day, it’s me. I mean that’s why he told me right?
Or well, so I thought, I asked if he loved her and he said yes. But I was convinced that wasn’t love, my head started to get clouded, my chest felt tight and I couldn’t swallow that lump in my throat. I fought with him all day and cried, cried and cried. I also asked him, her or I. He wasn’t happy that he had to decide between us, but in a Mono relationship, I don’t think it was that unfair of me to ask, I wasn’t scared to ask because I knew he’d pick me, it’s always him and I in the end. I was wrong.

After that I found myself laying in bed for day, maybe two weeks and I mean laying in bed not doing anything else, I went up to the computer once in a while only to start it up just to shut it down again, I couldn’t find the energy to eat, barely drink and I didn’t do anything but laying in bed hoping to fall asleep.
Everything felt so surreal. I did get him here to me, however, to talk. After some convincing and he came to me. We talked at first, we actually had sex, too. But it was so terrible, it was screaming breaking glasses and… That was the last time I saw him.

I had another dream today, a dream that I and my best friend was supposed to go meet our exes. Both with the same name, it’s funny. We went to a place where they lived and took on a hotel, we made out a way to their place to surprise them. They were both happy to see us and my friend went away with him. And I was stuck with mine to talk, figure things out. But everything once more in the dream felt so right because others approved and told me it was supposed to be the two of us.
Then I woke up, the horror to wake up and know it wasn’t real. It’s something I suppose I have to get used to.
So now I have this sinking feeling in my chest barely finding the will to get up but, here I am. Woken and writing all this.

The pain I had right after our break up, was the worse pain I’ve ever been through. And I didn’t cope, I had no technic to get the pain away, all I could do was scream and cry and. Not talk. I isolated myself in my bed for two weeks. Mom started to get surprised when I actually exited my room for just a moment but shortly found my way back to my comforting room.

There’s a song, that I loved to listen to during this.
Goodbye to a World, Undertale version with Frisk and Asriel.

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